So Wrong (Heart 0f Hope Book 3) Read online

  “You’re a beautiful sexy woman who has waited for someone to make this moment perfect. I’m not that man.”

  “You nearly were.” My eyes filled with tears. God please, don’t cry, I said to myself. “I guess you were right because now I’m just humiliated.”

  “Fuck.” He turned his head to the side for a moment.

  I wanted out from under him. Out of his apartment. To be honest, I wanted out of his life. How would I ever look him in the face again?

  He turned back and leaned over me, his hand caressing my face. “I’m sorry, Tessa.”

  “You don’t want this. I can’t hold that against you.” I sucked in my lips, hoping that my tears wouldn’t fall from my eyes.

  “But I do want this. I want this so fucking bad I can hardly see straight. But it should be more than just a fuck on the couch with the single dad next door.”

  “I know this isn’t a fairy tale and I’m not asking for anything. I trust you and desire you.” His face was inches from mine. His hard chest with the tattoo of Maisie’s name was a whisper away from my breasts. I wanted to pull him to me until our mouths and bodies connected again. Maybe if I took control, he’d acquiesce. But I wasn’t sure I could handle more rejection, so I simply lay there.

  “You’re so sweet, Tessa. I’m not.”

  “You are.” This time I took a chance, resting my hand on his cheek.

  “Deep down, I’m not. You should give this gift to someone more worthy.”

  “I want to give it to you. You’re the only man I’ve ever wanted to give it to.”

  He dropped his forehead against mine. “I don’t want you to look back and regret this.”

  I was already going to look back on my first time and think what a disaster. But he seemed to be beating himself up enough already, so I kept that to myself.

  “I appreciate you looking out for me, but I’m not a child. I know what I’m doing and what I’m asking. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked it. I see now that I’ve put you in a difficult position, and I’m sorry for that.” How odd that in the end, I’d feel guilty for trying to seduce him.

  He lifted his head. “I hate that I’m hurting you and yet, I think I’d hate myself for taking what I’ve been imagining having for nearly a year.”

  “What?”

  “You’re not the only one touching themselves and thinking of their hot neighbor.” He gave me a little smile. “You’re in my shower with me nearly every morning.”

  It was strange how that admission lifted my spirits. He was masturbating to me. “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “You can have the real thing, but you’re turning it down?”

  “I’m a fucking moron. The thing is Tessa, I don’t want to ruin this for you, although I know I already have. I don’t want to ruin what we have … our friendship, or your relationship with Maisie … and I hope to hell I haven’t ruined that already.”

  “Dylan, I’m not asking for commitments or something you’ve already said you can’t give. I’m not even asking for more than right now. I’m not a virgin because I’m saving myself. I’m a virgin because I haven’t met anyone that I trusted and desired enough to turn in my V-card with.” I supposed to a certain extent that wasn’t completely true. Although I did accept that Dylan wouldn’t ever want to have a relationship beyond friendship with me, that didn’t mean I didn’t have feelings for him, or wish he’d allow me care for him. I didn’t want just one night, but if that was all he could give, I’d take it.

  “Why me?”

  I gave him a sheepish smile. “The pecs?”

  He laughed.

  I turned more serious. “You have a great body, Dylan, but it’s your kindness I like. You don’t know how hot an attentive dad who dotes on his daughter is.”

  “So, not the pecs.”

  “It’s the whole package.” I wanted to tell him he sold himself short if he thought he wasn’t worthy, but I didn’t think he’d hear it. “And, at least now, I’ve seen it all. I’ll be able to imagine the real deal when I’m alone at night … you know.”

  A flash of heat crackled in his eyes. “What do you think about when you touch yourself, Tessa?”

  My cheeks heated. It was so odd that he was laying over me naked, saying he wasn’t going to take my V-card, and yet was asking me how I got off.

  “You. What do you think about?”

  His gaze drifted to my lips. “You sucking my dick.”

  My pussy, which had gone quiet when he put the brakes on, flared to life.

  “Me taking you from behind. You riding me. There’s no limit to my imagination when it comes to jerking off with you in mind.”

  I swallowed. “Do you think now you’ll have new ideas?”

  “Now I know for sure you have perfect tits. I’ll imagine fucking them.”

  I gasped as a new flood of arousal swept through me. I looked up into his eyes, wondering why he couldn’t just let himself have me for real.

  He cocked his head. “I don’t want to imagine, Tessa.” His voice was soft as he shifted his hips and his dick found my entrance. “God help me, I want the real thing. I want you.”

  I put my hands on his hips, holding him in place. “I’m right here, Dylan.”

  He lowered his head and kissed me. It was sweet and tender at first, but quickly heated up as he pressed the head of his dick inside me again. I arched, wanting him to fill me. No more teasing; I wanted it all.

  He tore his mouth away and looked down on me. “This might hurt.”

  Not any more than the humiliation of him stopping. “I want this.”

  He nodded and then dropped his head looking down at our joined bodies as he withdrew a little bit. Then he looked into my eyes again.

  “Tell me again … tell me to fuck you.”

  It was odd to hear clean-mouthed dad Dylan use the f-word and talk dirty, but it was a turn on too.

  “Fuck me, Dyl—”

  He thrust in, blasting past my barrier.

  I gasped at the sharp stab of pain. “Oh!”

  He stilled. I gripped him, feeling him inside me. He was so large, I felt like he filled every inch of me.

  “You okay?” His voice sounded strange.

  “You’re so big … are all men …?”

  “Rule one when fucking: Don’t talk about other men.”

  I laughed and as I did, tension released and my body relaxed. I inhaled a deep breath, working to relax more.

  He must have felt it, as he withdrew a little bit and then slid back in. This time when I gasped and arched, it was from pleasure.

  “Yes,” I said. Yes, this was what I wanted. His dick massaged my pussy walls, giving me sensations I could only imagine before. It was amazing how good it felt.

  “You like that, Tessa?” He withdrew a little more and then pushed back in. “You like me fucking you?”

  “Yes.” I gripped him tight, partly to keep him from changing his mind again and partly to keep from flying off into oblivion. “Do you … like it …?”

  “I fucking love it. You’re so tight … I’ve got to come …” He pushed back onto his heels again and gripped my hips. “I can’t wait.”

  “No, don’t wait.” I wasn’t sure what he meant, but I wanted him to do whatever he needed to.

  He licked his thumb the then rubbed it on my clit. “You’re coming with me.”

  I cried out as his touch sent electrically charged sparks through my body. He began to move in and out of me while rubbing my clit, and I was in a pleasure-filled heaven. Each stroke of his dick and his thumb filled me with sensations, building and building until I thought I might explode.

  “Come on, Tessa. Come on my dick … take me to heaven.”

  I was panting and my pussy was pulsing with need. “Oh God.” I’d given myself orgasms before, but I’d never felt this keyed up, this coiled with pressure.

  He groaned. “Fuck … I’m coming.” He gripped my hips with both hands and started pounding in and out. The friction w
as so good—better than I’d ever imagined. He plunged in, hitting my clit, and in a white-hot flash, I was coming. A shock wave of pleasure blasted through my body.

  “Yes … fuck, yes …” he said, as he withdrew and thrust in again and again. Pleasure rocked through me, wave after wave. Just when I thought I might be done, he’d plunge in, grind against me, and I was soaring again.

  Finally, he released my hips and settled back on his heels, his breath harsh. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded because words escaped me. I was more than okay. That was amazing. I wondered how long we needed to wait before we could do it again. I looked to him, wanting to ask him, but the words caught in my throat. His eyes shone with regret.

  He reached between us as he withdrew, holding the end of the condom until he was out of me. “I need to take care of this.”

  I could only nod again. Was he really going to spoil this for me again? I watched as he disappeared up the hall. I heard the bathroom door close. I let out a frustrated growl. What the hell? He was right, he did have baggage if he couldn’t see what just happened between us was perfect. Well, perfect for me.

  Self doubt rushed in to replace all the lovely sensations I’d been feeling. Maybe he didn’t like it. He came, that I was sure of … or at least, I thought I was sure of. But even so, that didn’t mean he enjoyed it. The truth was, I’d just laid there like a lump. I hadn’t touched him back. I hadn’t done anything. Not that I didn’t want to, but I was too lost in sensation. I was probably supposed to do something other than just lay there.

  I ground my palms into my eye sockets as humiliation filled me. I was a bad lay. I sat up and grabbed my clothes, dressing quickly. I didn’t want to be naked when he came out again. I’d play it cool. Did I thank him for fucking me or did I pretend like it didn’t happen? Maybe I should just leave now and not face him. God, maybe he was right. I didn’t know the ramifications. I didn’t know what I was asking.

  He came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist and a robe in his hand. He stopped when he saw I was dressed. “I brought you a robe, but—”

  I tried to smile an act normal. But inside, I was dying of humiliation.

  8

  Dylan

  I knew this would happen. My fucking dick did me wrong. I shouldn’t have touched Tessa, much less taken her virginity. But my dick overpowered my brain and I’d done just that. And now … fuck … now what? Sex didn’t always change a relationship. Even after my divorce, Veronica and I would occasionally fuck, and it didn’t change our feelings for each other. We never wanted to reconcile. I’d been with a few other women since my divorce, but those were hook-ups.

  Tessa deserved more than a casual one-night stand. I heard what she said about not wanting anything more, but I also knew she didn’t really know what sex could do. Yes, it could be left to the physical, but the first time especially, sex was filled with emotion. As I came down from my orgasmic high, I saw in her eyes that she was already planning a second orgasm and as much as I wanted that, I couldn’t let it happen again.

  When I exited the bathroom after my mental self-flagellation, I found her sitting on the couch fully dressed. Okay, so maybe she didn’t want to go another round. She looked up at me and I couldn’t quite figure out what she was feeling, but it wasn’t good. It wasn’t that blissful expression I’d seen when she’d savored the sweetness of her orgasm.

  I put away the robe that I’d brought for her. “You sure you’re okay?”

  “Yes. Of course.” She stood. “Thank you.”

  Fuck. She was acting like I’d changed a light bulb for her. Then again, maybe I should thank her, because that was the sweetest fuck I’d had in a long time. Maybe ever.

  “Can I get you something to eat?” I should at least offer her dinner.

  “Ah … no … that’s okay.” She started for the door.

  I sighed. “Tessa.”

  She stopped at the door and turned. “Yeah?”

  “This was why I didn’t want to—”

  She held her hand up to stop me. “Don’t. Please, don’t. This is humiliating enough for me as it is.”

  Christ. Guilt cut me two. I searched my brain for what to say to ease her humiliation. “I’m sorry …”

  “Don’t apologize either, Dylan.”

  Jesus, her anguished tone was killing me.

  “It was my first time, so I know I wasn’t good—”

  “What? No, Tessa. Is that why you’re feeling humiliated?”

  She bit her lip and I could see those tears coming again, as they had the first time that I tried to stop this train wreck from happening.

  “I got what I wanted, we can just go on and pretend it didn’t happen,” she said.

  “No. No, we can’t. Not if you think I didn’t like it. You fucking nearly blew my dick off.”

  She jerked.

  I moved to her but not close enough to touch her. I wanted her to know that I enjoyed it, but I didn’t want to give her the idea that it would happen again.

  “Look … I think we can both agree that we shouldn’t do it again, but I’m not going to regret it.”

  “You didn’t want it to happen.”

  I seesawed my head. “I did and I didn’t. My body has wanted you for a long time. But up here,” I said pointing to my brain. “I knew it was a bad idea. Not because there’s anything wrong with you, but because sex complicates things. Because you’re a smart woman going out into the world, and I’m a single dad who can’t give you what you deserve.”

  She nodded. “I understand.”

  I didn’t think she did, but it was clear there was nothing I could say to make this awkwardness go away.

  She opened the door, and as usual, I went to it to watch her as she made her way home. I longed to call her back and get her naked, only this time, in my bed where I could really show her how good it could be between a man and a woman. We’d done it once, my dick reasoned. Why not give it the whole weekend and then call it off? You’re a fucking asshole, I told my dick.

  She didn’t look at me as she usually did before going into the house. Just as well, I sighed as I shut the door.

  The house was quiet, immediately reminding me that Maisie wasn’t home. I was alone for the first time in a long time. See, she could have stayed, my dick said. Shut up!

  I hid in my house, taking care of some repairs and upkeep that I hadn’t gotten to yet. I was eating a sandwich for dinner in the kitchen when I got a call from Veronica.

  “Did you think we were going to keep her from calling you?” she said tersely.

  “No.” I could only guess she found the phone I’d given Maisie.

  “Then why give her a cell phone, Dylan? She’s five years old. She doesn’t need a phone.”

  I sighed. I’d pissed off the two women in my life. I wondered if Maisie was mad at me too. “She’s never gone away with you, Veronica. She hasn’t seen you for nearly a year and now you’re taking her away from her home. I thought having a phone would ease her apprehension about it.”

  “I’m her mother, Dylan. What does she have to be scared about?”

  “She doesn’t know you, Veronica!” I pulled the phone away from my ear and swore. When I put it back up, I worked to bring my tone back to normal. “A year is a long time for a kid her age.”

  “You think I’m a bad mother?”

  I thought she was a selfish mother. She was attentive when she was around, but she wasn’t around a lot.

  “You’re a good mother when you’re with her.”

  “So, I’m supposed to throw away all my dreams?”

  “Come on, Veronica. You’ve lived your dreams for the last few years. I’ve never stopped you. You wanted out, you got out. But if you think I’m going to say it’s okay that you’ve chosen money and fame and yourself over your child, you don’t know me at all. You’re a mother, for Christ's sake, and you can’t be bothered to see her but a few times a year. You fucking missed her birthday …” I stopped as I rea
lized I was getting pissed again.

  “I sent her—”

  “It was three weeks late. And you didn’t call.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Look, I’m glad you’re back. I’m glad if you mean what you say and that you’re settling down and want to be more involved. But I’m not going to feel guilty about wanting to make my daughter feel more secure as I send her off with her mother, who she’s never spent time alone with without me around.”

  “Why are you being such a dick?”

  “You’re the one who called pissed off that I’d given her a way to talk to me.” I put my plate with my half-eaten sandwich in the sink.

  “I’d have let her call you, which by the way she hasn’t asked to do. She’s having a perfectly lovely time.”

  “Good. I’m glad to hear it.” I pulled my scotch from the top cupboard over the fridge. If ever there was a night to get drunk, this was it. I poured a shot and downed it.

  “Are you? I bet you’d be happy if I just left her to you forever.”

  She was right. But I didn’t say that. What I wanted didn’t matter. What was best for Maisie was what was important. “I want Maisie to be happy. She wants a mother, Veronica. She talks about it more and more.”

  She was quiet again. “I’m not a bad person, Dylan.” Her voice was quieter. The heat of the tone was gone.

  “I never said you were. And giving her the phone wasn’t about you or thinking you’re a bad person. The phone was to ease Maisie’s mind … and mine, I suppose. This is hard for me, too. I’ve never been away from her like this. Ever.” I hoped she’d have some sympathy for me.

  “I guess that makes you a better person than me,” she snapped.

  To be honest, yeah, I thought that. “This isn’t a contest. You did what you had to do and I did what I had to do. I like my life.” Mostly. “You wanted more than I could give. I’ve accepted that. I’m perfectly happy in my career and being Maisie’s father. That doesn’t make me better or worse. It is what it is. I only said that because I hoped you’d understand where I was coming from.” Okay, so that last comment was a passive aggressive dig, but Jesus, it would be nice for once if she could think of someone else.